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STUDENTS AGAINST VIOLENCE EVERYWHERE~ A GIFT JUST FOR PARENTS



STUDENTS AGAINST VIOLENCE EVERYWHERE~ A GIFT JUST FOR PARENTS


Welcome to the SAVE web site! We hope you'll find some good ideas and information here that will help you help your students resist hatred and avoid violence.

At SAVE, we believe that kids who have a good sense of self-respect and respect for others are less likely to be seduced by hatred. We also know that kids who have good critical thinking and communication skills are less likely to hate and also less likely to become involved with violence.

Great FREE Resources Just For Parents: just scroll down

SCHOOL SAFETY TIPS: A Resource for Parents.

"Five Things Role Models Should Do In Front of the Students" - explore some ideas for small changes you can make to become the best possible role model of respect for students.

"Five Things Role Models Should Not Do In Front of the Students" - great role models avoid making these common mistakes with kids "Help! My Student Is Being Bullied" --tips for protecting your student from bullying and harassment.

"How Hate Takes Hold" - by understanding the processes of hatred, you will be better prepared to help your students avoid hate and violence!

"Role Modeling Respect" - use these self-reflection tools to better prepare yourself to role model respect for the kids in your life.

"What Can I Do?" - learn how you can help get SAVE in your community.

Five Things Role Models SHOULD Do In Front of the Students

From SAVE's How We Hate, Why We Hurt: A Guide for Parents, Educators, and Other Every Day Role Models. Get your copy today. 100% of proceeds support SAVE's free programs for schools!

  1. Think Out Loud. Let students hear how you evaluate arguments, challenge your own and others' ideas, and formulate worthy conclusions about your world.


  2. Practice The Rule of Two. Always note two distinct traits about a person, never just one (Jane is smart and beautiful) to steer students away from stereotyping.


  3. Call People Names - Their Own Names. Learn and use the names of people you regularly interact with (clerks, postal carriers, etc.) to remind students of the value of every individual.


  4. Cultivate Your Curiosity. Explore new places and cultures. Reach out to meet new people. Do not be afraid to ask questions. Assumptions based on ignorance hurt; questions that seek to uncover truth always help.


  5. Replace "Them" With "Us." When faced with an issue or situation that normally inspires you to say "Well, they should…" or "Well, those people always…" substitute we/us for them. " What can we do to solve this?" "What have we done to contribute to this problem?" Not only is such thinking empowering, but also it reminds people of all ages of a profound truth: no matter how different people may seem, we are all, after all, people, whose shared humanity unites "us" above and beyond all differences.

Five Things Role Models SHOULD NOT Do In Front of the Students
From How We Hate, Why We Hurt: A Guide for Parents, Educators, and Other Every Day Role Models.Get your copy today. 100% of proceeds support SAVE's free programs for schools!

  1. Stereotype a Student's Peers. Resist the temptation to think in terms of "good kids" and "bad kids." Try not to fall into the kind of clique-driven thinking students are surrounded by at school-avoid terms like "nerd" or "preppie."


  2. Scapegoat a Student's Behavior. Try not to "protect" a student by blaming their behavior on a peer, a school policy, or popular culture. Such tactics by adults not only teach a student how to scapegoat, but also damage a student's sense of self-respect by making them feel powerless.


  3. Label People Instead of Actions. Hitting is bad; Mike is not. By providing students with commentary on actions (instead of actors) you will help them avoid fear of "the other" throughout their lives.


  4. Cling To Your Clique. You are not in high school anymore, so be sure that your network of friends is not as confining as a high school clique. Get to know people with careers, cultures, and interests unique from your own. Bring together friends from diverse backgrounds to create a richly textured network of people.


  5. Stay Silent. No matter how disapproving you may be on the inside, your outward silence in the face of a hateful comment or joke tells a student that you approve.

Help! My Student Is Being Bullied

Angry. Helpless. Afraid. Guilty.

All of these words describe how parents feel when they realize that their student is being bullied. Bullying is a serious issue. Bullying can cause both physical and emotional damage to a student. Prolonged bullying also can set up a cycle of harassment. Sadly, if a bully is popular, other kids may join in with the teasing to gain the bully's approval. In these cases, bullying a particular student can become a "cool" thing to do in a school or neighborhood.

Investigate
While many resources will promise parents sure-fire ways to protect their kids from being bullied, let us assure you that, unfortunately, there are no absolute safe-guards. Because many different factors can encourage some students to harass others, each situation is unique. No one cure will solve.

Thus, our best advice is that parents should carefully consider all of the factors that seem to be at play in their student's particular situation. For example, is this a one-time occurrence or a long-term problem for your student? Is your student the victim of a single peer, a small group of peers, or seemingly most other students at his/her school? Is the bullying occurring at school or in other locations? Does your student have at least one good friend for positive peer interaction or is your student socially isolated (i.e. are bullying encounters your student's only peer-to-peer interaction?)

Seek Assistance
By identifying all of the factors involved in your student's situation, you will be better prepared both to seek out assistance and to support your student. If the bullying is occurring at school, alert your student's teacher(s), guidance counselor/social worker, and the school principal. Provide each of those people with as much information as you have about the situation. Ask them for 1) any advice they have for you in how you might be able to help your student manage the situation; and 2) any actions the school might take to help your student and prevent future problems.

Please be careful to consider how some actions by the school might cause a "boomerang" effect. When possible, encourage the school to find solutions that will reduce the risk of future problems while also protecting your student from retribution. For example, a plan to work with the other student's parents and teachers to help the student develop empathy may help dramatically and also will not require that your student be identified to the bully as the "tattletale."

Diminish the Effects
In addition to working with school officials to try to prevent future bullying of your student, work with your student to help diminish the effects of the bullying. Bullying can damage a student's self-esteem, willingness to trust peers, and ability to make friends with other students. Help curb these profoundly negative effects by trying some of the following options:

  1. Provide your student with a place to interact with peers completely separate from the place/social setting of the bullying. If your student is bullied at school, enroll him/her in a sport or class at a community center in a different town or neighborhood. Give your student a chance to interact with other students who are not aware of the bullying situation. Positive peer encounters in the new setting will not only boost your student's self-esteem and social network, but will provide a welcome "fresh start" on friendships with peers.


  2. Involve your student in peer interactions based on his/her interests. If your student likes music, check out local community center student's choirs. If your student enjoys games, find a Chapter or even a tournament circuit for his/her age group. Provide your student with a place where his/her interest is shared by others. Involvement with peers who share the same interests (even if they do not attend the same school) can provide a network of friends and can jump-Start self-esteem.


  3. Find an older friend/hero/role model for your student. A cousin, neighbor or family friend who is four to five years older than your student can be a fantastic resource to a student who is being bullied. Because the person is older, your student likely will listen to their counsel. Yet, because they aren't much older (i.e. not as old as parents!) your student likely also will perceive them to "get it." The combination of credibility and identification provided by a slightly older friend can offer your student support, advice, and hope for better days to come.


  4. Buy your student a journal and encourage them to write openly and honestly about how they are feeling. Bottling up the emotions caused by bullying can cause lasting damage to self-esteem. Because many victims of bullying are embarrassed by their situation (they feel they somehow "deserve" the treatment), they are quite unlikely to talk about their plight, or their feelings, with other friends, siblings, or parents. A journal can provide a safe outlet for their emotions.


  5. Provide your student with chances to excel. Whether in academics, music, sports, video games, or hot-dog eating competitions, help your student find something they enjoy doing and have the potential to do very well in with a little practice. Developing authentic self-confidence about a skill or talent can go a long way toward silencing the negative internal voice that says "I'm not valuable"---the voice bullying too often activates in a victim's mind.

How Hate Takes Hold

Dr. Jody Roy offers answers to many parents' most pressing questions about hatred and violence. Some of her comments below are from interviews, while others are excerpted from her 2003 book How We Hate, Why We Hurt: A Guide for Parents, Educators, and Other Every Day Role Models.

What exactly is hate?
"Hatred is an emotion. It is a feeling we experience. Hatred is the emotional opposite of love. When we experience love, we feel a connection to another person. When we experience hatred, we feel repulsion from another person. Love is a bond, whereas hatred is a barricade.

Hatred is an emotional end-point. Hatred never comes first; it is always a secondary sensation, necessarily preceded by a primal emotion, fear." (From How We Hate, Why We Hurt)

How is hatred related to fear?
"The relationship between hatred and fear lies at the center of the cycle of aggression in our society. Whether that aggression expresses itself overtly in the horror of violence, or more subtly as a form of social or emotional withdrawal from others, aggression builds walls between us. When we look at the world through the eyes of our fear and hatred of "the other," we view those walls as a necessary fortress, the only thing protecting us in a dangerous world. However, when we force ourselves to admit that much of the "danger" is actually a creation of our own minds, we realize that we have not built ourselves a fortress so much as a prison. The secret to tearing down the walls of that prison and to stopping the cycle of aggression rests inside the nature of the relationship between fear and hatred. Fear is an instinct; we cannot choose not to feel fear when we perceive a threat. But we can teach ourselves to assess the substance of our fears and the legitimacy of the perceptions driving those fears. In that moment of self-reflection, we realize our power to choose either to hate or not to hate. Hatred is a choice we can make to manage our fear. It is one choice. Knowledge is our other option." (From How We Hate, Why We Hurt)

What processes cause hatred?
In a recent interview, Dr. Roy summarized the processes that cause hatred:
"When we think in absolute terms, when we believe in stereotypes, when we blame others for our problems, and when we think other people aren't quite as fully deserving of the status 'human' as we are, we are living inside the processes of hatred. Each of those processes relies on careless thinking and, usually, flawed or non-existent 'evidence.' Yet, too often we fall for the processes of hatred. Whether we harbor stereotypes about people of another race or generically blame people of another socio-economic class for our struggles, we are basing hateful claims on bad arguments. That's why improving kids' critical thinking skills is so important to the long-term prevention of hatred. Kids who think clearly hate less!"

Does hatred play a role in all types of violence?
"All violence is motivated by hatred to some extent. At the very least, a person lashing out at another fails to empathize with the other, to see the other as somehow "same," somehow fully human. At this level we see a generalized form of dehumanization, a hallmark of the processes of hatred. On the other hand, specific hatred very obviously motivates some other forms of violence. Sometimes committed as acts of passion, sometimes fully pre-meditated, most targeted murders and other forms of serious violent crime are motivated by the offender's hatred of the victim. So-called "hate" or "bias" crimes tend to merge the defining elements of the two preceding categories. From the generalized attitudes of dehumanization which enable random acts of violence to the personal and prejudicial hatred which directs targeted violence, hatred plays some role in all forms of aggressive violence." (From How We Hate, Why We Hurt)

What Can We Do To Help Kids Avoid Hate and Violence?
In a recent interview, Dr. Roy offered this advice: "Love them and teach them. We have to teach kids how to think critically so they can see through the bad logic that drives most hate. Hate can be seductive for kids, but only if they aren't prepared to see it for what it is. We have to help kids learn to communicate effectively. Kids who aren't able to resolve conflicts with words turn to violence. And kids who can't vent their frustrations and find solutions through language are powder-kegs. Finally, we have to help kids develop a sense of self-respect and respect for others. But let me add a note here-I'm not talking about falsely praising kids for every little thing they do; I'm not talking about the kind of patronizing pats on the head that adults (and kids!) find meaningless or even demeaning. That doesn't raise self-respect; in fact, it can damage it. I'm talking about authentic self-respect, earned self-respect, the kind that builds from setting goals, working hard, and seeing results in all areas of life-school, relationships, sports, you name it.

Role Modeling Respect

EVERYBODY is somebody's role model…including YOU! What do your words and actions teach other people?

Use the following questions for self-reflection to begin evaluating what your words and actions may be telling the students (and adults!) in your life. Consider how you might be able to make small changes in your life to be an even better role model of self-respect and respect for others.

  1. Would you want a student you love to grow up having the same level of self-respect that you have? Why or Why Not?


  2. Do you treat people who have power over you (i.e. your boss) differently than you treat people over whom you have power (i.e. your employees) or than people you do not know personally (i.e. a store clerk)? What might such differences in the way you treat others tell students about the value of individuals?


  3. What do you do when you hear another adult tell a racist or sexist joke, or use a demeaning phrase to describe a person's race, sexuality, or background? What might a student observing your reaction conclude about your opinions?


  4. If a student learned about the world only from observing your behaviors, what kinds of people, if any, would that student view as "the other"? Which of your behaviors (becoming nervous, avoiding eye contact, etc.) would tell the student that they should be afraid of some kinds of people?


  5. Recall a recent encounter you have had with a student. Try to think of the encounter from the student's perspective. What did your words, your tone of voice, your behaviors tell the student about their value as a person? (i.e. did your actions foster their self-esteem or might they have made the student feel unimportant?)


  6. For one day (or one week) keep a journal of your emotional responses to other people. Does a co-worker's comment embarrass you? Does seeing a very poor woman on the subway make you feel grateful for the blessings in your life? Does your spouse's failure to ask how your day has been make you feel lonely? Once you've logged your own emotional responses to others, switch roles. Record encounters you have with other people and ask yourself to reflect on how your actions might be making them feel. Use the added awareness of how we all impact each other's self-concept as motivation to role model respectful and loving ways of interacting for the students in your life.


    7. What Can I Do? Bring SAVE to Schools In Your Area

    So, what can you do? You can make sure schools in your area know about this SAVE. Visit Getting Started for more information.

    Make A Difference

    Special thanks to Jody Roy, Ph.D. for providing these materials to SAVE.
     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    National Association of Students Against Violence Everywhere
    SAVE: Youth Voices... Grown-Up Choices! Toll Free 866-343-SAVE
    For more information contact cwray@nationalsave.org   /   Copyright 2007